new jewellery!

One set for me, the stone is snowflake obsidian, it is the stone of purity and balance to the body, mind and spirit. It is supposed to allows one to recognize the unnecessary pattern which remain in ones life and to re-design ones thought patters to provide relief from undesired conditions. There is black and silver oval glass beads interspersed with round snowflake obsidian beads round the necklace and bracelet.

One for my brother's girlfriend, it's her birthday next week. I've done her a black set, being her favourite clothes colour, the beads are black or clear glass.

I actually sold 6 sets in total at Caitlin's nusery much to my delight. Really pleased that other people actually like enough to buy them. Hopefully I can make up some more, especially coming upto christmas.

Driving

After the fiasco of getting my provisional licence I finally stopped chasing butterflies around the garden to go book my driving lessons! So I'd advise anyone thinking of being on the roads around me on 8th of August at 9.15am not to. I'm having 2 hour lessons on mondays and tuesdays through rest of august then thursday evenings in september. Hopefully this will get me well on the way before Tim's operation.

Although I had to laugh when she was trying to encourage me to buy the 'very good interactive DVDs that you can use with the television'. They use Tim's company software and he has already have aquired them for me :) I'd better start looking at them though as my theory test is goingto be late august.

Even more butterflies!

Ok so I'm obsessed chasing butterflies around the garden! But here's the latest additions. Peacock, red admiral, painted lady, holly blue (I think) Meadow brown, tortoishell and large white.

The middle east situation gets worse and worse and Blair and Bush still seem to do nothing but get their own citizens safely out the way. I have one Lebanese friend and one married to a lebanese man. Thankfully neither had gone for their summer break when this all kicked off and they and their immediate families are safe in the UK, but both have families in danger, one in Beruit one in Nabatieh, in the South. Caroline's blog is here and brings home for me just how close this is to all of us.
While Kofi Annan condemned Hezbollah he also critises Israel for it's excessive use of force. Israel dropped leaflets on South Lebanon advising citizens to move away from the border areas, but at the same time bombs bridges making it impossible for innocent civilians to go anywhere. How does that work? Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora said in an interview on CNN that Israeli forces had also targeted ambulances and medical convoys. WTF! Yet still the Lebanese are suffering with little or no international support.

Hezbollah have been a thorn in Israel's side for a long time, but does it justify this sort of response? Israel have now killed far more more innocent children and civilians than Hezbollah in this conflict, they have bombed bridges preventing the escape of civilians from approaching war and destroyed a countries infrastructure. Can you imagine the international outcry particularly from the Americans if we'd done this to Ireland to defeat the IRA?!! Blair is just a lapdog to George Bush and can't seem to say anything without his agreement. At least the EU and the French are condemning to disproportionate use of force. Some 230 Lebanese are dead, most of them civilians, to 25 Israeli dead, 13 of them civilians (as of 19th July according to New York Times). One can only conclude that the US wishes to pull Iran and Syria into the conflict to justify further US intervention in the middle east and justify it's 'axis of evil' policy. I just pray the UN can intervene while there is still some of Lebanon still standing or there is a full scale war in the middle east pulling in many more countries, a frightening prospect for the whole world.

More butterflies!

After some recovery work on the memory card Tim has recovered the pictures of butterflies I took in the garden on Wednesday. , thank you darling (That card is so going back if I can still find the receipt!)

Anyhow we have a comma butterfly who after flirting around the garden for the last few days, deigned to pose for a picture or few and the other one is a gatekeeper again, with a small tortoiseshell on the buddelia at the end of the garden. After the cabbage white, peacock, red admiral and an open picture of the tortoishell next. The buddelia is coming further into bloom each day and there are even mre butterflies in the garden, so I'm hopeful.

Oh and for those that notice the time of this post insomnia really sucks at the moment!

Chilli peppers

We're growing a few varieties of chilli on the patio in pots this year. This one is a sunset chilli, so will be yellowish once it ripens, but the first three are now 3 - 4" long and developing nicely!

Butterflies in the garden

Have spent the day in the garden and the buddelia at the far end is coming into flower and attracting in the butterflies. Today apart from the gatekeepers which have doubled in number there's been a peacock, red admiral and tortoishell flyig around, another one which is one of the frittilary family, but couldn't get close enough to work out which, a blue one and the common or garden cabbage white. None of the stayed still to photograph unless they were on the buddelia on the neighbours side of the fence so I couldn't reach with the camera! Then there's this one, a small skipper butterfly, the only one that was still long enough to photo.

I will live to fight (or should that be photograph!) another day.

In the meantime Caitlin played in the paddling pool underneath our huge parasol, splashing around merrily.

Fab day

Finally got back to the crop run by Joanne who runs Boxroom Booty. Had a wonderful day, got to met Cath IRL too, who was lovely! and Dawn again who I haven't seen for months since I started university. Was so good to go out and see fellow scrappers again and just relax and have some me time away from the house. I've been doing an 8 x 8" holiday album, I've decided to keep it simple so I can actually get it done in the summer break. The album and papers were a christmas present from Gav and Flo, it's been a nice change working in the smaller format and I'm actual having fun doing the simple pages as a change to the 12 x 12 ones I've been doing.

Tim and Caitlin in the meantime went to the Butterfly House and had fun Caitlin even was brave enough to feed a goat on her own apparently, in the past she's been too scared to feed them herself.

I passed!!!

Finally got my results for the year and I've passed! I've got an average of 64% which would be a 2.1, although they don't officially give you a grade for the first year.

After all the bad health in the last few months to do so well has just blown me away! I was so sure I'd failed one of my elective modules, but actually got 74%, my best mark of the year. So now can look forward to the next year with more confidence, so far all my uni friends I've heard from have passed too, which is great news too. I said at the start of the year I'd be happy with 50% average or more and over the moon with 60%+ so I've reached my higher wish level!

Spent the afternoon in the garden with Caitlin, it's been a beautiful afternoon lovely and sunny and the bees and the butterflies were out in force on the lavender gathering nectar. Took the opportunity to play with the macro mode again on the camera but rather than flowers on moving targets. These are gatekeeper butterflies, there were three fluttering around in my lavender bed.

Why do I scrap?

What put me off Creating Keepsakes is that everything seemed so artifical IFSWIM, they all look like they're studio posed carefully lit portraits or their kids must be coated in teflon! I want inspiration on how to use not so perfect every day pictures of Caitlin snapped at high speed as she ran past. Forget careful framing of the shot, I'm just glad if her head stays in one of the dozen digi pictures on the way past! Oh and I may be a Christian, but I don't want to thank god for my blessings in every LO or other such cringeworthy journalling.

I'm a member of a forum with some amazingly talented scrappers, many of whom are on design teams or regular contributors to the scrapbook magazines. They all have more creative talent in their little finger than I have in my whole body, it's why I've never applied for a design team. But I do like creating pages about me, my family and our life. I guess I have my own style, but I'm not sure if I could define it I think the main point of scrapping is to preserve our memories in a creative, beautiful way to look back on. Does it really matter what style, whether we're following the latest trend or whether the papers or embellishments are this years or last years? If we like what we create it doesn't matter, I think that if I can create pages that I like and record our family's history then that's the important thing.

I hope I'll be here a good long while, but if something happened and I died tomorrow would Caitlin in a few years time care whether I used last years embellishments, would she want 2 stunning LOs that were incredibly artistic, but tell her nothing about me or her, or would she want an album full of happy family memories, telling her how much she was loved and all the funny things she does? So while I'll always admire the beautiful work in the gallery, I'm just going to plod along doing LOs that I like for my family, content that we like them even if they're not cutting edge or using the latest trendy techniques or style statement and try not to feel too inferior. Tim may even forgive me for doing a LO with him and Caitlin covering in flowers, maybe. I'll upload it here at some point.

I'm just astounded that our amazing talented British scrappers are not given the international recognition they deserve, many of them fellow scrap padders.

So tired!

I'm getting so frustrated, I'm just so tired all the time, I don't sleep well at night, but I have no energy during the day. My memory is crap and I just am getting so fed up! I wish I knew why I was so crap most of the time. I'm just hoping that I'll get some answers soon. My ultrasound on my kidneys is on the 24th and after that I get to go back to the consultant at the hospital and maybe I'll get some answers.

I'm a month into my summer break and it just feels I've done none of the jobs I had planned for the summer, I'm struggling just to keep up with the housework and Caitlin.

Ok, going to stop moaning now and go have a nap!

Had the best news tonight, my sister is expecting her second child, due in January. I'm over the moon for her and my BIL. My niece Laura was born with talipes (club feet) and it was a really hard time for the first 18 months, with physio, two operations, splints for night and day etc...

But they've had the 12 week scan and everything is ok, but I don't think my sister will truely relax until the 20 week scan where they picked up Laura's problems. But I know whatever life throws at them they are good parents and will do all they can.

Being a mother

I've reached a realisation about me as a mother. I love my daughter to pieces and I want the best for her, but I have come to accept that I cannot be a full time mum again. I was a full time 24/7 mother for 2 years and I spent much of that fighting a losing battle against PND and very bad SAD in the winter too. I ended up with a sort of social agraphobia, where I felt scared to go out and meet other mothers or to attend mother and toddler groups. I became increasingly depressed and in a downward spiral. However with antidepressants I became better and made the decision to go to university and am now studying for a degree. In the last year my depression has been so much better, I have been off anti depressants and I managed to get through the SAD season so much better than previous years.

I think it is because I am truely able to be 'Emma' not just 'mum' or 'Tim's partner' but a person in my own right again. I am happier and more fulfilled and as a result I am able to enjoy the time I do have with Caitlin more. I value the time I do have with her and am happier and more relaxed even on the days of toddler horror of which there seem to be many at the moment.

I'm on my summer break and I have got Caitlin home for 3 days a week and I am enjoying it, being able to take her to swimming class, pottering into Sheffield to meet up with Tim for lunch. But I am so worn out keeping up with her. It has made me realise I couldn't go back to being a full time mum again, sad as that make me feel. I feel awful knowing that I don't want to spend all day every day with her. I know I'd drop everything to be with her if she needs me. But if I am happy and fulfilled that makes me a better mother for time that I am with her, rather than her getting the worst of me all the time, she gets the better part of me for a shorter period of time. I don't want her to remember me as the grumpy mother who shouts at her all the time. While I know that I'm lible to always be the stricter parent I want Caitlin to have happy memories of her childhood time with me, not always the tired grumpy shouty mummy I seemed to be. Being a happy mother who loves and enjoys spending the time we have together is the best gift I can give Caitlin. Just because I'm studying now and will work once I graduate in two years time doesn't make me a bad mother, I'm accepting my limitations and doing the best I can for Caitlin and Tim to be the best partner and mother I can be. I have to admit that I can't wait to graduate and be earning, so I can employ a cleaner and have more time for the family.

I have so much admiration for those who are full time mothers I think they must be saints or on prozac!

New banner!

After a little assitance from Tim and the great instructions from Clare I've managed to put my own banner on. The photo was from my 30th birthday and using brushes from SpaceRaven to create it.

Balance!

latest LO 'Balance' it's all I can do sitting in the heat and humidity!
Photos of Caitlin on a bouncy balancing beam while we were on holiday. Journalling on the tag in the pocket.

The supplies are papers from Sandylion and Rusty pickle, Maya Road ribbon Candy soho collection, framedangoes from everlasting keepsakes, chip chatter tall chipboard letters both from the fabulous new Boxroom booty, chipboard buckle from Carolinezcraftz own brand and K&Co pocket and tag.

We have water!!!

Our water came back after 29 hours! Unfortunately my neighbours are not all so lucky, my next door neighbour is still off and across the road are at 50% pressure. Ours is at 80% of the pressure before the leak, but that's probably because we all jusmped straight in the bath or shower when it came back on. Might have to go back off again, depending on whether the problems are caused by debris blocking the pipes or a third leak somewhere. In meantime I've had a bath and watered the garden.

Being a true scrapper though I had to take a couple of pictures. There's the hole in the road and the tank of water we got today that conviently got sat right in front of our front door. Never thought I'd see a tank like that outside our ouse, I connect them with the south east and the drought, one thing that doesn't seem to affect us here.

Hot, hot, hot!

One of the hottest days of the year so far and no water. The pressure went mid afternoon and has just dribbled if that ever since. Yorkshire water engineer arrived just before 6pm, had a look round couldn't find the cause, delivered 12 litres of water to the affected 20 odd houses. All I want is some water to have a quick bath to cool down. They now think there is a burst pipe in the street, so are waiting for the gang to come dig up the road, guess we woun't be getting much sleep tonight then, but worth it to get the water back! They've given us another 24 litres of water, as they don't know if it will be back on tonight. Think I'm going to have to waste a bottle in the sink to have a wash at least tonight.

Caitlin has been enjoying the hot water though, she spend ages today sitting on her garden chair with her feet in the paddling pool under our big parasol. I spent the morning weeding and planting the last of our bedding plants out before collapsing into a chair with my feet in the paddling pool too!
Have been taking some pictures in the garden today of our flowers, there's lavender, marigold, rose, snapdragon and bears breeches.

We picked our pea crop yesterday, Caitlin was in the thick of picking and podding the peas. We had an amazing tea, brocolli, mange tout and peas all grown in our garden. Even Caitlin ate some of our lovely yummy peas! Between eating some of the lettuice we've grown and masses of carrots, we may get her eating healthily yet!