I've reached a realisation about me as a mother. I love my daughter to pieces and I want the best for her, but I have come to accept that I cannot be a full time mum again. I was a full time 24/7 mother for 2 years and I spent much of that fighting a losing battle against PND and very bad SAD in the winter too. I ended up with a sort of social agraphobia, where I felt scared to go out and meet other mothers or to attend mother and toddler groups. I became increasingly depressed and in a downward spiral. However with antidepressants I became better and made the decision to go to university and am now studying for a degree. In the last year my depression has been so much better, I have been off anti depressants and I managed to get through the SAD season so much better than previous years.
I think it is because I am truely able to be 'Emma' not just 'mum' or 'Tim's partner' but a person in my own right again. I am happier and more fulfilled and as a result I am able to enjoy the time I do have with Caitlin more. I value the time I do have with her and am happier and more relaxed even on the days of toddler horror of which there seem to be many at the moment.
I'm on my summer break and I have got Caitlin home for 3 days a week and I am enjoying it, being able to take her to swimming class, pottering into Sheffield to meet up with Tim for lunch. But I am so worn out keeping up with her. It has made me realise I couldn't go back to being a full time mum again, sad as that make me feel. I feel awful knowing that I don't want to spend all day every day with her. I know I'd drop everything to be with her if she needs me. But if I am happy and fulfilled that makes me a better mother for time that I am with her, rather than her getting the worst of me all the time, she gets the better part of me for a shorter period of time. I don't want her to remember me as the grumpy mother who shouts at her all the time. While I know that I'm lible to always be the stricter parent I want Caitlin to have happy memories of her childhood time with me, not always the tired grumpy shouty mummy I seemed to be. Being a happy mother who loves and enjoys spending the time we have together is the best gift I can give Caitlin. Just because I'm studying now and will work once I graduate in two years time doesn't make me a bad mother, I'm accepting my limitations and doing the best I can for Caitlin and Tim to be the best partner and mother I can be. I have to admit that I can't wait to graduate and be earning, so I can employ a cleaner and have more time for the family.
I have so much admiration for those who are full time mothers I think they must be saints or on prozac!
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(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
To you both..i am sure i felt like this..my lot are a bit older now. I DO find working full time good for me ( i work in a school so am home when they are on holiday). I have more time for them when i don't see them so much And am calmer.
There is no right or wrong way ..a child knows if they are loved or not and that IS the ONLY thing that matters.
I used to work evenings and Although i had so much time for me ( while hey were at school during the day) I was riddled with guilt..mostly for my sainted DH who was cooking thier tea and bathing them and trying hard to get them to bed. Even though i felt bad, i was earning better money AND i think it strengthen everyones realtion ships as he really does understand how hard it can be....sorry to go on.
xx
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