Long time, no post

Well finally things are improving, I got taken off one medication and after a week put on a different one and the change has been phenomenal! I feel human again, the headaches and migraine are receeding fast and I can use the computer again for more than 5 minutes at a time, very happy bunny.

I have just finished my placement today and I've passed the practical element, in fact got much better result than I expected, so I'm delighted. I've been given an extension to the written component which was due tomorrow, due to the health problems and not being able to use computer enough for research and writing the assignemnet itself. Although I can see myself in intermediate care long term I have enjoyed the placement and the team have been lovely and supportive and made me feel one of the team, I'll miss them.

This weekend we went to Tim's parents and Kirsty from Kaptured by Kirsty took pictures of the whole family as their 40th wedding anniversary present. There's some amazing pictures in there, we're going to go for a DVD of all the picture and 30 proofed photos, we just need to negotiate as a family which ones to get proofed. I love some ones of me on my own that Kirsty has taken and there's some beautiful pictures of Caitlin, who was definately the star of the show. Most importantly though Tim's parents are over the moon with the results, they've got some fab pictures of their family, all of whom are usual camera shy! Thoroughly recommend Kirsty to anyone!

I've struggled for many years with depression of various sorts, before Caitlin was born I was told it was SAD (seasonal affected disorder) and that a winter sun break would make all the difference, unfortunately not available on the NHS, I did ask tongue in cheek. After Caitlin was born I had PND although it took me quite a while to accept it. I guess I ticked so many of the at risk boxes that I should have been more prepared for it. Between Tim's job moving us away from friends and my brothers, coping with a 5 month old baby through the week on my own while he worked in Sheffield for a while and then the stress of moving and then buying a house and moving again, all by the time Caitlin was little more than a year old didn't help. But it was easier to say I was stressed and tired than accept that after the joy of our miracle baby I was so so miserable until I reached such a point I had to face it head on.

I know I am a stressed person, I get anxious very quickly and have major issues with self confidence and I find it difficult to mix in social situations, all of which made the move from Edinburgh 2 years ago so difficult. Tim always is telling me not to worry and stress so much, but I don't know how not to. I do wonder if all the drinking through my teenage years when all these social skills were developing effected this, when I was scared or anxious I just drank a bit more until my inhibitions and fears receeded. But now as a sober adult how do I cope with all these feelings?

My problem is working out when my stress levels, nerves and crippling self doubt change over into depression sometimes it can be a fine line. At the moment with the high blood pressure, the headaches it causes and my memory being permanently shot to pieces it gets me down as I feel so crap. I wish there was a magic pill to take it all away.

Creativity

Well been very tired and very worn out, had loads of headaches and migraines and finding my placement very stressful. Although I'm passing my placement at the halfway stage, which is good news, the intermediate care setting is not for me.

It feels like all my creativity is drained out of me, I've not done much craft at all in the last few weeks, between lack of time, tiredness and headaches, so I'm very chuffed that I've made one necklace this weekend while Tim and Caitlin have been at his parents. The pendant is blueberry stone.