Busy Times

I've struggled for many years with depression of various sorts, before Caitlin was born I was told it was SAD (seasonal affected disorder) and that a winter sun break would make all the difference, unfortunately not available on the NHS, I did ask tongue in cheek. After Caitlin was born I had PND although it took me quite a while to accept it. I guess I ticked so many of the at risk boxes that I should have been more prepared for it. Between Tim's job moving us away from friends and my brothers, coping with a 5 month old baby through the week on my own while he worked in Sheffield for a while and then the stress of moving and then buying a house and moving again, all by the time Caitlin was little more than a year old didn't help. But it was easier to say I was stressed and tired than accept that after the joy of our miracle baby I was so so miserable until I reached such a point I had to face it head on.

I know I am a stressed person, I get anxious very quickly and have major issues with self confidence and I find it difficult to mix in social situations, all of which made the move from Edinburgh 2 years ago so difficult. Tim always is telling me not to worry and stress so much, but I don't know how not to. I do wonder if all the drinking through my teenage years when all these social skills were developing effected this, when I was scared or anxious I just drank a bit more until my inhibitions and fears receeded. But now as a sober adult how do I cope with all these feelings?

My problem is working out when my stress levels, nerves and crippling self doubt change over into depression sometimes it can be a fine line. At the moment with the high blood pressure, the headaches it causes and my memory being permanently shot to pieces it gets me down as I feel so crap. I wish there was a magic pill to take it all away.